Only half believing

I could not believe my eyes at first. We had driven across town to enjoy a special Mothers’ Day afternoon tea with our son and his family and had just been welcomed into their home with warm hugs. The light was quite dim in their lounge room so I did not immediately notice someone else sitting nearby. But when our daughter-in-law smiled and pointed to my left, I looked closer. No, it couldn’t be … surely it wasn’t our older daughter who has moved interstate, sitting there smiling?

My mind whirled. I stood there for several moments with my mouth wide open and my head swivelling like one of those sideshow clowns ready to swallow any balls people throw their way. Then our daughter stood up—and, the next moment, I was enveloped in a huge, warm hug. She had driven all the way from her home in Victoria by herself to catch up with both family and friends, a huge undertaking for her, given she has had her drivers’ licence for only a few months.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. And I was still in that state the next day when our daughter drove from where she was staying to spend a couple of hours more with us before heading back south. But the strange thing was I had somehow sensed I might see her on Mothers’ Day, despite how unlikely it seemed. In fact, I had felt this so strongly that I decided to make a batch of gluten-free chocolate brownies on the Saturday prior to Mothers’ Day so I would have something in the house that she could eat. So … why was I so surprised when she actually turned up?

For a start, in the excitement of seeing our son and his family, I forgot for a moment my sense that our daughter might be there too. But also, I suspect I had doubted myself all along and wondered if that sense that she might come was mere wishful thinking. Yes, it had manifested itself in action when I made those gluten-free slices—yet, even as I baked them, I also found myself having one of those weird, negative internal conversations with myself about it all. What are you thinking? How could she come up to see you right now? She’d have to fly to get here—and find someone to look after her cats back home. And there’s no way she would drive such a long distance. Don’t be silly! Yet it happened. Part of me had known it would, but another part did not believe it was possible.

Since then, I have wondered whether this is how I sometimes act towards God. I love God wholeheartedly, have full faith in Jesus Christ and often experience the Spirit’s empowering presence in my life. God has rescued me many times, challenged me through Scripture and prompted me to speak or act in a certain way as the Spirit has led. But, despite all this, how often do I second-guess God and harbour such disbelief when I know I can fully trust instead?

May my half-believing days soon be over. May I, like Thomas, listen to Jesus’ challenge and actually trust him instead:

Then he said to Thomas, ‘… Stop doubting and believe.’ John 20:27b

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So lonely

He was sitting by himself on the end of the very front row in the room where I was scheduled to speak. I had arrived early to ensure my power point presentation worked at the venue so was preoccupied at first. But then when I had to wait for a staff member to assist, this gentleman and I started to chat. I had already noticed how isolated he seemed to be—and soon I also noticed he was attached to an oxygen machine on his wheelchair.

I cannot remember how our conversation actually began, but it was not long before he told me, a complete stranger, that his wife of sixty-three years had passed away a few months earlier. Then his eyes quickly filled with tears.

‘However much we think we’re prepared for times like this,’ he whispered, ‘it is much, much worse. The pain is terrible. I’m just glad I didn’t go before she did—I wouldn’t have wanted her to experience such pain.’

By then, I was holding his hand. Still with tears in his eyes, he told me how his wife had battled cancer for sixteen years and we talked about how good it was that they had had those extra years together. My heart went out to him—what more could I say? We were in a secular setting and I knew nothing about him.

In the end, after asking him his name, I told him how my husband and I have been in church ministry for a long time and that I would pray for him. I was unsure how he would react but, in an instant, his face lit up with a lovely, grateful smile and he squeezed my hand. In any other setting, I would have prayed out loud for him but had to be content with a quick, silent prayer instead.

A little later, we chatted briefly again and, when he saw some slides in my presentation showing scenes from various ruins in Turkey, he told me he had been a tiler and potter. This gave me the opportunity to include him later as I spoke and he smiled and nodded when I did. Afterwards, I had no chance to catch up with him again. But I hoped he had enjoyed my presentation and that both it and the interaction we had had went some small way towards comforting him in his grief and obvious loneliness.

We do not have to look far, do we, to find lonely people around us? Some may also be carrying heavy burdens of grief like this man—a grief that needs to be shared and listened to with empathy. As this man has come to mind, I continue to pray for him, especially that he will have family and friends around him who understand and have time to listen. But, above all, I pray he will know God’s deep comfort in his own latter years and know too that he is never truly alone with God by his side, just as King David declared long ago. And may we each experience the truth of these words in our own lives too.

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 NLT

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So many years

When out on our balcony recently, I happened to notice something strange on a long frond of my orchid plant. Thinking it was perhaps an insect, I gingerly picked up the pot to investigate, then almost dropped it—because that ‘something strange’ turned out to be actual orchid flowers. What an event in this household!

The reason for my surprise was that a friend bought me this particular orchid plant at least five years ago, maybe more. I had given up ever seeing any actual orchids on it but wanted to keep it anyway. And there it was now, with its beautiful little deep pink blooms proudly on display at the end of what looked to me like a very dead orchid frond.

Immediately, I connected this lovely image with a recent event in my own life. Earlier this year, I received a contract from Authentic Media in the UK for my third non-fiction book, Swansong: Start creating your legacy of life-giving words today. Since then, I have connected several times via email and Teams video with the lovely staff there who have all been so helpful. Recently, they mentioned they would contact some possible UK endorsers of the book to add to my list of Australian endorsers. In return, I commented that one of my endorsers also ministers in the UK so I would see if he could suggest any other possible UK endorsers too.

Now this man has been a friend since 1985—almost forty years. He has already helped me in significant ways in the past, including endorsing all three of my non-fiction books. I felt so reluctant to bother him with yet another request but sensed I should go ahead anyway and email him.

In a matter of moments, he responded. Yes, he told me, two names of friends who are well-known Christian leaders in the UK had come to mind and he would email them both on my behalf. Then, later that day, I received two further emails from him telling me both these men were happy to read and hopefully endorse my book and introducing me to each of them.

I speedily followed up these leads myself and sent off my manuscript to both gentlemen. Then I sat back and reflected in amazement at how, even after all these years, my Australian endorser friend was able to provide such strategic connections for me—and was still prepared to do so. We have seen each other only once face-to-face in the past ten years, from memory. Yet out of the blue, this man has helped me once again—and in such an amazing way. Just like those orchids seemed to appear out of nowhere after so many years, so God seemed to whip up this wonderful support out of nowhere too, courtesy of my friend.

Sometimes, we may feel something is never, ever going to happen. Sometimes we can lose heart—and lose sight of how amazing our God is. Instead, may we keep trusting and listening to our loving Lord who is always there, longing to bless and provide for us in wonderful ways.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.  Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT

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Being courageous

We have lived in Sydney for many years now, yet there are some parts of our city where I do not willingly choose to drive. One is definitely the airport area, especially the domestic terminal with its current nearby roadworks. I find it slightly overwhelming to be confronted with all those different signs showing me which lane I need to be in to get to that elusive express passenger pick-up area. And if I miss the relevant entry point, it can be tricky indeed, with all those one-way streets, to loop around and have another go.

There can also be one further complication to this whole challenge for me. These days, I find driving at night rather difficult, especially in an unfamiliar area. So you can imagine how I felt when I needed to drive to the airport in the dark recently, not once but twice, in a short space of time. No, I did not look forward to it one little bit.

My first effort went well in the end, however, which was encouraging—although that time, I had someone with me I needed to drop off, which helped. Two pairs of eyes are much better than one in such areas, I have discovered. But coming home, I almost missed the turnoff to the road that would take me around the airport area and back home rather than into the middle of the city. Phew! I am sure those prayers I prayed—out loud—were what saved me and that God enabled me to see where to go just in time.

Then, the day before I needed to return to the airport to pick up my passenger, I happened to come across the following verse in my morning Bible reading:

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NLT

God spoke these words to Joshua after the death of Moses when Joshua inherited the responsibility of leading the Israelites into the Promised Land at last. What a massive challenge indeed to take on! No wonder God had to repeat this command to be strong and courageous to Joshua (see 1:6). Yes, God’s words here are full of challenge, but it seems to me they convey such reassuring certainty and compassionate understanding too.

Now I am well aware that my little foray across town in the dark to the airport bears no comparison whatsoever to the massive task that lay ahead for Joshua. But the reassurance and compassion in these words God spoke to Joshua all those years ago was what I sensed for myself too as I realised how God wanted to reach out to me in my own moment of challenge. So I spoke those same words aloud in my study before leaving home—and several times too during my interesting journey!

The following morning, I had to drive some distance again to speak at a group and a place where I have never been before. As I did, those same words God spoke to Joshua reassured me that God was again with me and watching over me. What a privilege to know God is indeed with us wherever we go and well able to see us through whatever challenges we face!

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We matter

Not long ago, I met a man with significant health issues that make him appear much older than he actually is. He shuffles along slowly, using a walker. He cannot hold things well, often dropping his belongings. He constantly jerks his body from side to side. His eyes cannot seem to focus anywhere for long and he has trouble speaking clearly. As we chatted, he tried to communicate with my friend and me as best he could. And we tried our best to understand and connect with him in return. However, my friend is quite deaf, so it was doubly difficult for her to understand this man’s soft, slurred speech. In the end, it was up to me to listen as hard as I could, try to grasp the kernel of what this man wanted to say, then relay it all to my friend.

I felt so responsible in undertaking this task. I could tell my friend felt embarrassed that she could not understand everything so I tried hard to make the whole experience easier her. But I certainly did not want to short-change this man either as I relayed all he said because I could see how much his desire to engage with us mattered to him. He had important things to share with us about his abilities and career achievements and wanted to offer his services in these areas however he could to help out his new community. I could see he had—and has—so much still to give to others. Yet his health challenges make it all so difficult.

I honour this man for his courage in continuing to strive to reach out and do things. He is definitely not sitting around moping and feeling sorry for himself as far as I can tell. Yet he cannot now do all those wonderful things he used to love doing—or at least not to the same degree—and I am sure he knows that. So where does he fit now? How can we help him? Even though this man had difficulty looking directly at me as we chatted, I caught a glimpse in his eyes of his need to be taken seriously, to be listened to, to be respected for all he could offer—in other words, to matter to others.

This is such a key issue for us all, isn’t it? We want to know we have some sort of significance at least in this world, that our being here makes a difference to others in some way. Sometimes, we look in the wrong places for this—and, sometimes, as has happened with this man, we may be forced in some way to lay aside those things we have relied on for our significance. How important it is instead then to know we actually matter to God, that God is the one who gives us significance deep inside ourselves, whatever is happening to and around us. This is the truth that blew me away as a fifteen-year-old when I committed my life to God. And this is the truth that still sustains me today.

We matter to God—so much. May we all remember that.

This is how God showed his love among us: he sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 1 John 4:9

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Reflecting

Currently, I am working on yet another interesting literary project. I have been writing weekly blogs since mid-2009 and have been asked several times whether I would consider compiling these into some sort of book. Finally, I decided to bite the bullet and began to read through them all, in order to select which might possibly be suitable to include in such a volume. This is no light task since it involves reading over 770 blogs, each about 550-560 words long. Nor is it an easy one because I have needed to make all sorts of decisions, big and small, along the way. Yet it has also been fascinating indeed to look at all those thoughts and experiences again and reflect on my journey with God over these past fourteen years.

When I began blogging in 2009, I had written three novels, with two already published and a third about to be. I had also ventured further into speaking at all sorts of events, both Christian and secular. I still had much to learn about writing and about engaging widely differing audiences in a positive, helpful way. And I was still working through much on a personal level as well, particularly concerning my faith in God and my understanding and acceptance of who God had created me to be. Perhaps you can imagine then what an interesting and sometimes exhausting journey it has been as I have ploughed through all those blogs and watched myself grow and struggle and stumble and pick myself up and grow some more. I have re-lived many events I had almost forgotten about, some happy and some sad. I have revisited various ideas and understanding of Scripture I included in these blogs and allowed God’s Spirit to speak to me afresh about it all. I have reflected long and hard once again about many things—and I am not done yet.

You see, once I had selected out the various blogs I considered might be most suitable to include, I now need to read each one carefully yet again on various levels. Will the particular blog topic still appeal to a wide range of possible readers? Is the blog itself clearly and well written? Is it too short? Is it too long? Is it too personal? Do names of people or events need to be removed? Are the Scripture verses quoted appropriate and correctly used? Once these decisions are made, I then need to edit each blog carefully or, in some instances, almost completely rewrite it.

At this point, I am still a little unsure whether this whole project will in fact end up in book form. Yet, whether it does or not, I believe all my efforts have already been so valuable because they have shown me yet again the utter faithfulness of God in my life. Through so many varied times of joy, of grief, of hope, of disappointment, of challenge, of fulfilment, of change, God has been there, guiding and guarding me, comforting me and rejoicing with me. God’s loving arms have held me close through it all, even when I was unaware of this—and I am blessed indeed.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

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Really?

Sometimes I hear myself saying the strangest things. Take, for example, those occasions when I have said to someone, perhaps after hearing about a challenge they recently faced, ‘I hope everything went well for you in the end.’ What I really mean is that I hope this person is doing okay now—surely hoping some past event went well is a little pointless, apart from any empathy we may express in the process? The moment has gone, and all the hope we can muster will not change what happened back then.

Recently, while walking to my car, I saw a man nearby wearing the jersey of a particular football team. As he stood chatting to another man, I heard him say: ‘Well, we believe in miracles!’

Initially, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, that’s so wonderful—this man believes in miracles!’ But then his next sentence made it clear what he really meant.

‘Oh, with a little bit of luck we might get there!’ he declared.

I realised then that he must be talking about an upcoming football match and his apparent doubt that his team would actually win! But the more I thought about it all, the more I began to wonder if he had expressed my own strange thinking at times. Yes, I believe God can do miracles. I have experienced them myself and observed them unfold in the lives of others. I have read in Scripture how Jesus performed so many amazing miracles and how God raised him from the dead. On top of that, I see miracles each day in the beauty and intricacy of nature all around me. Yet, to my shame, sometimes I suspect my prayers for God to bring healing to someone or rescue someone from a difficult situation can be more like a wish that luck might be on their side than a fervent faith-filled plea to God on their behalf.

There is a big difference between the two, don’t you think? When we pray, we are talking with and to the all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful God of the universe. Our God is personal and alive. And our God is able to heal and renew. Sometimes, that may happen supernaturally but at other times through the care of others, including the medical profession. And our God is able to reach out and rescue us in love too—or give us the strength to walk through our struggles and comfort us deeply in the process. On the other hand, relying on luck involves nothing more than believing in or appealing to impersonal, random forces, without knowing whether they will be on our side or not. All we can do in this case is hope for the best.

Years ago, there was a book around with the title Your God is Too Small, a title which still challenges me today. How often have I lost sight of who God really is? How often have I taken my gaze off God and, instead, trusted in some vague kind of luck? Instead, may you and I raise our sights, enlarge our vision, know our amazing God is on our side and rest daily in God’s loving grace, mercy and provision for us.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my trust. Psalm 130:5

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That torn curtain

I wonder what impacted you afresh this past Easter about Jesus’ journey to the cross and his resurrection. Each year, I find myself thinking there will be nothing new I can possibly discover in the various gospel accounts of those events. And, each year, God surprises me all over again with some fresh insight that makes me stop and reflect on my own life or on our world in general.

When our youth pastor spoke at our church on Good Friday, he described the cataclysmic events that occurred when Jesus actually gave up his spirit and died on the cross. I had forgotten these events and my imagination went into overdrive when he referred to the various things that happened, as recorded in Matthew’s Gospel:

Then Jesus shouted out again, and he released his spirit. At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead. They left the cemetery after Jesus’ resurrection, went into the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people. Matthew 27:50-53NLT

Wow! Imagine being there and experiencing the earth shaking and rocks splitting apart—not to mention tombs opening. Surely there must have been chaos all around at that point as people fled one way and another in fear. Perhaps some thought it was a random natural disaster, yet others came to a different conclusion, as Matthew’s Gospel goes on to describe:

The Roman officer and the other soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified by the earthquake and all that had happened. They said, “This man truly was the Son of God!” Matthew 27:54NLT

But what about that torn curtain? It was probably huge and heavy, being an important curtain that separated the people from the holiest place in the temple. Was it somehow fixed or replaced before the special Sabbath Passover service there the day after Jesus was crucified? Or was it cobbled together in a way that the people still noticed? Did any of those present begin to think about the significance of that torn curtain and relate it to Jesus’ death? Surely, they must at least have wondered how this could happen. Or did they merely put it down to earthquake damage?

One day we will understand more. But for now, imagining this event was enough to challenge me to think about the momentous difference Jesus’ death has made in my own life and in the life of all who believe in him. Through his death on our behalf, Jesus broke the power of sin and death over each one of us. Through shedding his blood, Jesus opened up the way for us to draw close to our holy God again, enabling us to stand in God’s very presence and know we are completely forgiven, perfectly loved and wholly accepted. The barrier has come down. The curtain has been torn in two—and we are free to approach God, knowing we will not be turned away.

What an awesome privilege—and what an awesome Saviour we have! May we each from the bottom of our hearts freely declare, along with those soldiers, ‘This man truly was the Son of God!’

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Surely he has!

Years ago when our children were little, I managed to find time to join our local choral society. Each Monday evening, I would thoroughly enjoy practising with the other choir members—and this was especially true when we began rehearsing to perform Handel’s Messiah. Prior to this, I had sung in various children’s and young adult choirs but had never had the opportunity to take part in singing The Messiah, so it was all wonderfully new and exciting to me.

Whenever I hear certain sections of this oratorio performed today, however, I still feel the same chills down my spine that I felt when I first heard them around fifty years ago. Yes, this is partly because of Handel’s beautiful, stirring music. And yes, it is partly because of the lovely voices of the soloists and choir members who sing. But it is the words, taken from various parts of the old King James version of the Bible, that also touch my heart deeply.

One of the most stirring choruses in the first part of Handel’s Messiah for me is ‘For unto us a Child is born’. I love the way the music crescendos up into those wonderful, thundering, strong words that emphasise the power and authority of Jesus:

… and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6b KJV

I always want to stand up and cheer when I hear those words ring out. But then there are other beautiful, quieter, moving sections too that touch my heart in a different way such as the gentle air, ‘He shall feed his flock’, which to me speaks of the tender, nurturing heart of Jesus for us all:

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. Isaiah 40:11 KJV

Likewise, the brief, slow chorus, ‘Behold the Lamb of God’, highlighting John the Baptist’s declaration about Jesus (John 1:29, 36), always moves me too, as does the later air, ‘I know that my Redeemer liveth’, triumphantly declaring Jesus’ resurrection from the dead (Job 19:25). But, in between these comes the forceful, heartrending chorus, ‘Surely he hath borne our griefs’, that I always find so deeply moving. To me, it seems to express in both words and music that incredulous feeling I always have at Easter that Jesus, the Son of God, would indeed bear our sins on the cross and give his life for us:

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5 KJV

This Easter, may we take time to reflect deeply on these words in either the older version above or a more recent one. And may we all, on Easter Sunday and beyond, be moved to declare with heartfelt praise to God as the final chorus of The Messiah does:

Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing. Revelation 5:12 KJV

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The things we do

I suspect all of us can think of times in our lives when we had to do things way outside our comfort zones. Recently, I spoke somewhere on the topic of public speaking itself and was quite shocked at the number of people present who said they hated the thought of ever doing any such thing. Perhaps these people may get by in life without having to speak in public, but probably all of us at some point have had to ask someone for a reference, either written or verbal, in order to apply for a job. This can indeed be scary, can’t it? Just this past week, someone told me how, when she asked a teacher for a reference on leaving school, this teacher told her there was nothing positive she could think to say about her! Oh dear.

There can be many other occasions too when we cringe at doing something which makes us feel quite vulnerable and uncomfortable. Fronting up at job interviews, for example, can be challenging, as can even applying for them, depending on the information we are asked to submit about ourselves and our abilities. Over the years, I have completed a few manuscript submissions to various publishers and initially found it rather daunting to have to ‘sell’ myself in this way, explaining, as requested at times, why they should accept my manuscript over someone else’s and what I could do to ensure my book sold well. In more recent years too, I have often emailed various community groups to let them know I am available as a speaker, should they require one, and have had to overcome the fear that I may sound too pushy or egotistical in the process.

Then there are those times, on completing a non-fiction book in particular, just as I did recently, when I have had to seek out those people willing to endorse my latest offering. Now these requests are indeed ones I mull over many times before pressing that ‘send’ button on such an email! After all, it is a big ask to expect someone in a busy ministry or work role to read one’s manuscript, however well I know them, then write something they are happy for all to read. Besides, what if they don’t like or can’t agree with some things I have written? That could well be embarrassing all round.

I can still cringe now at having to do such tasks, but there are several things these days that eventually help me overcome my reluctance. Firstly, I remind myself that what I have written is something I sensed God wanted me to write—and indeed has given me the ability to write. So, I need to be faithful and obedient and see the project through to completion.

Secondly, in any situation where I could face embarrassment or rejection, I have learnt to take great comfort from the fact that God knows me through and through, accepts me fully, believes in me and loves me with a perfect love that no one can take away from me. I am God’s child. I belong to God who will never reject me. And that changes the whole picture, don’t you think?

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jeremiah 31:3b

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